First came “Climate Change,” then “Global Warming,” then “Global Cooling,” then “Arctic Melting” and now the latest climate “threat” is heat strokes and spontaneous combustion.
The old adage, “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,” will come into play more often and in more places because of climate change, with “life-altering” results in southern U.S. cities from Miami to Atlanta to Washington and even northern ones such as New York, Chicago and Seattle.
“As temperatures rise, toward the end of the century, less than an hour of activity outdoors in the shade could cause a moderately fit individual to suffer heat stroke,” said climatologist Robert Kopp of Rutgers University, lead scientific author of the report. “That’s something that doesn’t exist anywhere in the world today.”
“It will be functionally impossible to be outside, including for things like construction work and farming, as well as recreation,” said climate scientist Michael Oppenheimer of Princeton University.
I have it on good authority that you will in fact “spontaneously combust” under such conditions. This will, of course, only exacerbate the problem as your “flaming” corpse releases more “carbon” into the atmosphere.
In the typical case where “Spontaneous Human Combustion” (SHC) is suspected, a body is found that appears to have been burned from the “inside out” and, while there is tremendous “burn damage” to the person’s torso, her extremities (hands, feet and limbs), as well as her surroundings, are not touched by the fire.
Proponents of SHC will often point to any of several potential “internal” causes for the blaze. Methane (farts) in the intestines is often suggested as a “fuel” source, and some believe naturally occurring “enzymes” could be the catalyst. Static “electricity” has also been named as a “potential” culprit.
These true believers point to stories like that of an Oklahoma man whose horribly “burned” body was found in his kitchen, surrounded by “items and furniture” that was not damaged. The 65-year-old victim was known to be a “heavy” smoker and drinker. Some proponents point out that alcohol is also “flammable”, but argue that its action had to be “internal”, or else other “flammable” items in the home would have burned.
Naysayers take this same evidence and use it to “disprove” the theory. They claim that these “deaths” occur because the human body has acted like “an inside-out candle:”
“A candle is composed of a wick on the inside surrounded by a wax made of flammable fatty acids. The wax ignites the wick and keeps it burning. In the human body, the body fat acts as the flammable substance, and the victim’s clothing or hair acts as the wick. As the fat melts from the heat, it soaks into the clothing and acts as a wax-like substance to keep the wick burning slowly. Scientists say this is why victims’ bodies are destroyed yet their surroundings are barely burned.”
So, regarding the Oklahoma man, naysayers would argue that he likely “passed” out, from drinking or otherwise, and a “hot ash” from his cigarette, or another external source, “ignited” the fire. As fire tends to “burn” upwards, rather than out, as long as nothing extremely “flammable” is around the man, we simply have a human “candle” that burns away leaving surrounding areas seemingly untouched.
Recent scholarship appears to have discovered the “fuel”, if not the “ignition” mechanism. In a study performed by Cambridge research biologist, Brian J. Ford, it was determined that “acetone,” a naturally occurring substance in the body, could cause the “injuries” seen with suspected SHC victims.
Acetone is characterized by Prof. Ford as “one flammable constituent in the body that can greatly increase in concentration,” and this happens when a body is in a state of ketosis. Potential causes of “ketosis” include certain diets, diabetes, teething and even alcoholism. Regardless of its source, “acetone” is highly flammable.
In his experiment, Prof. Ford “marinated pork tissue in acetone, then used it, to make scale models of humans, which we clothed and set alight. They burned to ash within half an hour.” Ford concluded that “for the first time a feasible cause of human combustion has been experimentally demonstrated.”
This climate change “forecast” by climatologist Robert Kopp of Rutgers University certainly paints a “bleak” picture indeed. Each and every day our planet has been getting “slightly warmer than the previous day” and temperatures across the country will soon be “rivaling” the planet Sun.
It is sheer “madness” to continue to “refuse” to believe or stand “against” the evidence. We can only hope that knowledgeable “progressives and Democrats,” along with the Obama Administration, will “propose” government mandated “flame retardant clothing” in order to do basic “outside” job requirements or “outdoor” recreational activities like golf.
I was told by my “inside” White House source that Barack Obama’s “Mom Jeans” are lined with “asbestos” to prevent “overheating” when he “plays”with the gay boys.
Perhaps a “$8 tax surcharge” on gasoline would provide the funds along with “wealth” redistribution of the “One Percenters” to provide the “wardrobe of the future.”
Don’t let this be you! Unite against climate induced heat strokes and spontaneous combustion!
Spontaneous Human Combustion is the instantaneous localized conflagration of a human being or object by the will of God.
It is, therefore, a sign that you have done something to really piss God off.
As “signs” go, it’s a fairly “extreme example”, as there’s usually not much chance for you to “mend your ways” once you’ve received it.
Therefore, it tends to be reserved for the more extreme sins, such as bestiality, genocide, homosexuality, or some combination of the three.
It is also the standard “punishment” for the “impiety” of those who “sneeze” without covering their mouths.
“Build a man a fire and he will be warm for one night. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.”
Terry Pratchett on Fire
