Up to 20,000 “barefoot” Muslim “head bangers lifted their asses” to Allah on the field of “Angel’s” Stadium.
Muslim “revisionists” claim they are celebrating Abraham’s “decision” not to sacrifice his son “Ishmael” in exchange for a ram. But this is a lie, a “damn” lie. It was Abraham who was “stopped” from sacrificing his son “Isaac, not Ishmael.”
And now they are “fouling” the infield at a Los Angeles baseball stadium while doing it. Thousands of Muslims “poured” into Angel Stadium and “filled” the morning air with the “sounds” of prayer as they celebrated “Eid al-Adha,” or the “Feast of the Sacrifice,” the most important holiday of the “Islamic” calendar.
“Eid Mubarak,” men and women said in greeting, wishing “blessings” for the day. Youngsters “skipped” school, elders from across Southern California “glowed” with the spirit of the season, in culmination of the annual pilgrimage, called “Hajj,” a tribute to Prophet Abraham’s life and legacy.
These Muslims “gathered” at the baseball stadium in a “historic” event organized by leaders of three mosques, the “Islamic Center of Irvine,” the “Islamic Institute of Orange County” in Anaheim and the “Islamic Society of Orange County” in Garden Grove.
The words “Eid al-Adha” glowed in“neon” under the Toyota and Metro PCS logos on the “Jumbotron” screen. It “rotated” with other Arabic terms, “ads” touting Qu’ran and Saturday school, and a flashing “Vote on 11/6.”
Melodic “chants” rang through the air.
And how do Muslims “celebrate” this lie? By “sacrificing” millions of animals in the most “inhumane, agonizingly, barbaric” way they can.
The declaration of a “Caliph” state between the “border” of Syria and Iraq has raised some interesting parallels, bringing “confusion” to California Governor Jerry Brown’s cabinet and resulting in an “executive order” that changed the official spelling of the state to “Caliphornia,” and the title of the Golden State’s Governor to “Caliph.”
California Caliph Jerry Brown.
“We feel that we are all of one mind when it comes to state power and control,” stated an anonymous source deep in Brown’s cabinet. “The freedom fighters of the newly declared Caliphate have honored us by taking part of our name and we feel we must respond in kind.”
“Thus to honor our Muslim brothers, and because we love all religions except Christianity, we will now follow Sharia law” stated Caliph Jerry Brown.
“We are excited about saving our taxpayers considerable money by emptying our prisons and retroactively erasing all crimes committed during the period when I was dating Linda Ronstadt. That was a happy time for me, and I think we should all share in that happiness,” Caliph Brown stated.
“Everyone else will be stoned, beheaded, lashed, or have their limbs amputated in accordance with the new penal code, based on recommendations by the most prominent experts in Islamic jurisprudence who derive their scholarly opinions from the sayings of Mohammed as recorded in the Hadith, the Sunnah, and the Koran.”
“Everyone else will be Caliph in accordance with the new penal code, based on recommendations by the most prominent experts in Islamic jurisprudence who derive their scholarly opinions from the sayings of Mohammed as recorded in the Hadith, the Sunnah, and the Koran.”
The “waiting” times in emergency departments have “increased” 100 fold since this “declaration”, mostly due to a sudden surge of severed “extremities”, as well as multiple “human heads” littering streets and other public spaces, creating “health and driving” hazards, and raising questions about the “effectiveness” of local sanitation services.
“There are always unintended consequences, and you should all know by now that they really don’t matter,” responded Caliph Brown, “removing” his shoes and calling all present to join him in a “public” prayer for the victory of “progress” and an “end” to Islamophobia.
Caliph Brown also promised his followers to “blow up and/or close all” non-compliant places of “worship”, appending the surviving churches and synagogues with “minarets” in compliance with Caliphornia building codes.
A separate “anti-idolatry fatwa” has been issued to stop the “rampant” proliferation of small and medium-sized “Buddha” statues, a few million of which are expected to be “surrendered” to designated state recycling centers.
Government inspectors, identifiable by their “towel-like” headdress, will be making surprise visits to suspected “private homes and businesses,” especially “New Age and Holistic Healing Centers,” with a license to “break” any unauthorized “Buddha’s, Gaias, and other non-compliant religious figurines,” as well as to drag “perpetrators” by their hair out front and subject them to “public lashings.”
A new bill establishing a “10% Jizya” per capita “tax” will be levied on all of Caliphornia “non-Muslim” residents as an insurance for not being killed, was unanimously “passed” by the state’s largely Democratic Senate as the only “solution” to balance the “budget” while ensuring that all “unionized” government employees get their “fair” share.
The few senators who objected were declared “Islamophobes” and taken into police “custody” in accordance with the previously passed “hate-crime” legislation.
The only objection to the Caliph’s new “alcohol-banning fatwa” came from Caliphornia resident Nick Nolte, who was promptly “beheaded” without as much as a mug shot. Major civil “disobedience” on part of Caliphornia prominent “non-conformists” has been avoided with “assurances” that marijuana will remain a “legal” substance.
The government then proceeded to “seize and convert” all existing “liquor” to alternative fuels, bars to “hookah” lounges, and distilleries to “heroin” factories that will be processing “poppies” imported from Afghanistan.
A special “Women’s Rights and Diversity Fatwa,” endorsed and celebrated by the local chapter of “N.O.W.”, will require all female residents of the state to wear the designated “garb of diversity” made of plain, non-patterned cloth that covers their “wrists, ankles, necks, and hair.”
All non-diverse individuals of “female sexual orientation” will be apprehended and subjected to summary “lashing and/or stoning” as determined by the diversity officer from the “Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.”
A number of previously “transgendered” individuals have already come out with statements “renouncing” their chosen gender identities and “demanding” that the state pay for their “sex-change” operations that would restore their “original” gender.
In conclusion of his short announcement, Caliph Jerry Brown stated, “Anyone who opposes me and my new autocratic rule shall be declared an enemy of democracy, tolerance, and diversity, and as such he or she shall be arrested on charges of Islamophobia and hate speech. Any objections? I didn’t think so.”
Caliph Brown also announced some startling “economic” statistics since the declaration of “Sharia Law.”
“Since the declaration of Caliphornia, we have seen several positive signs in the economy” stated the Caliph. “We have seen a massive drop in the unemployment numbers recently. Some say it is due to attrition of working infidels, but I think otherwise.”
He had several “representatives” at his latest news conference to “tout” the economic progress.
Stan Kaseem of “Burqas to go” stated a 1000% increase in business recently. “I have always thought government interfered with business, but I just have to eat my words at this point.”
Jeff Jazeera of “Tim’s Turbans” and Bill Aqua-Velva of “Prayer Rug Outlet” couldn’t be happier with the “recent” boom.
Some say there are economic “losers” in the new Caliphornia. However, representatives of “Bible shops, Book stores, Wineries, Liquor store owners and Catholic school uniform manufacturers” were unavailable for comment.
“Overall I believe that the economic winners successes far outweigh the vanishingly rare losers in our new state,” Caliph Brown stated proudly.
Caliph Brown’s “heart” is big enough to envision a new “homeland” for Islam. As a “devout” Catholic who favors “abortion on demand,” embraces all “gay lifestyles” and funds Communist “juntas” in Latin America I’m somewhat surprised to hear about his “changed” view on Christianity.
Unless, of course, “devout Catholic” also means “not really a Christian.”
