Reorienting the Orient
By: Jeannie DeAngelis
After being “holed up” for several weeks in the White House, Michelle Obama is “itching” for another “exotic” getaway.
With superpower “tensions” at an all-time high, now is as good a time as any to take a multi-generational “mother-daughters-grandmother” vacation to China.
Never mind that Michelle’s vacation destination is busy amassing the “fiercest” military force on the planet and partnering with Vladimir Putin, who just “tested” an ICBM.
Rising above “silly little” squabbles, Michelle is “packing” up mom Marion and daughters Malia and Sasha.
The traveling “quartet” and a huge “entourage” will board Air Force Two in mid-March at God knows what flight cost per hour – “courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer” – and wing westward for 13 hours toward China, which, quite frankly, is quite a ways to travel for “authentic” Kung Pao chicken.
Upon arrival, Michelle plans to visit with China’s foxy steel drum playing first lady Peng Liyuan. But before she does, the FLOTUS has “some ‘splainin’ to do!”
Last year, when Chinese president Xi Jinping and his wife were in California for a “trust-binding” summit with Barack “the Golfer” at Rancho Mirage, Michelle chose to “forego” the formalities and instead sent a note inviting herself to China.
And although “diplomacy” is paramount, the real reason Mrs. Obama is venturing forth is to try to “credibly” represent a country that continues to lag in educational achievement.
Apparently, the first lady “feels” that in addition to “minimum daily” requirements and “human hydration” needs, she is also qualified to “educate” Chinese students.
Whoever agreed to “allow” Michelle to come to China and talk about “education” has to know that she is the wife of an “allegedly learned man” who never read the “health care bill,” relentlessly pushes junk science, and, considering the “sad state” of the U.S. economy, clearly lacks “basic math” skills.
What is it “exactly” that Mrs. Obama will be sharing?
According to the “Program for International Student Assessment” (PISA) survey, Shanghai, China “tops” the world in “math, reading, and science.”
The US is ranked a distant 36th.
That’s why “Meddling Michelle” talking education to children who “run rings” academically around most Americans, including her, is not very different from her “brilliant” suggestion that U.S. housewives need government help “deciphering food product labels.”
The Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development’s deputy director of education, Andreas Schleicher, claims that part of the reason Shanghai pupils do so well is “determination and the self-confidence to fulfill their potential.”
Jiang Xueqin, deputy principal at the Tsinghua University High School in Beijing, stressed that “Shanghai’s success is a product of a culture that prioritizes academic achievements over other pursuits.”
Does Jiang mean “other pursuits” such as foam-finger twerking, doing the Dougie, and memorizing “lyrics” to songs by Sasha and Malia’s role model, Beyoncé?
Shanghai students’ “self-motivation and desire to succeed” won’t stop “Race to 36th Place” Michelle from “imposing” her expertise.
After all, their “top ranking” in academic superiority shouldn’t derail Michelle’s plans to “lecture” the academically diligent and determined about the “importance” of diligence and determination.
The first lady will most assuredly “expound” on how, despite seemingly “insurmountable” odds, a lanky “black girl with an attitude” managed to attend an Ivy League college, “graduate” Harvard Law School, marry a “community organizer/future president,” acquire a closet full of “$12K” party dresses, and vacation “all over the world” and at “Oprah’s” opulent place.
In a White House blog post, Michelle pointed out that she’s going to China because “countries today are no longer isolated and face many of the same challenges, whether it is to provide students with a good education, combat hunger, poverty and disease or address threats like climate change.”
What Mrs. Obama didn’t mention to her “low-information” blog followers is that while America is being “sucked” down a rabbit hole of “debt, danger, and despair,” the fact that she even mentions “climate change” sheds light on why the USA is in 36th place.
In her pre-trip post, Mrs. Obama also wrote: “I’ll be focusing on the power and importance of education, both in my own life and in the lives of young people in both of our countries.”
FLOTUS insists that the “China visit is important because it is the most populous country in the world, with more than 1.3 billion people, and is an important world actor.” Wait – more important than Congo expert Ben Affleck?
While “reorienting” the Orient, maybe Michelle can help level the “educational playing field” by suggesting that the Chinese, whose “mathematical proficiency” results from old-school rote memorization, adopt Common Core math.
But if Common Core subtraction is “too confusing” for the children, Mrs. Obama can always switch over to “basic” addition.
For fun, she can calculate and explain the cost of a few of her recent taxpayer-funded excursions: “$11 million for a 13-hour trip to and from Nelson Mandela’s funeral + $5 million to fly to Ireland + almost $8 million in family vacation flight expenses + $2 million flying alone from parts unknown + approximately $100 grand flying back and forth to Aspen.”
Then Michelle can “explain” to the youngsters why it is “humanly” impossible to pay back the $1.2 trillion America owes China.
Meanwhile, in addition to learning to handle “chopsticks,” picking up pointers on how to “institute” an American version of China’s “one-child policy”, and trying to cajole her hosts into tacking the cost of her “luxury hotel accommodations” onto America’s running tab, Michelle the “raconteur” can share with the Chinese pupils inspirational tales of how to “fundamentally transform” oneself from a “low-level” social climber into a “high-level” government parasite.
No doubt Chinese youngsters living in a country where the average salary is $656 per month in U.S. dollars will be “riveted” to learn of Mrs. Obama’s triumphant hard-luck “working-class kid from the South Side slums of Chicago” story.
After “inspiring” Chinese schoolchildren to “new” educational heights, the FLOTUS can then remind them that “if she could do it, so can they!”
Because even in communist China Michelle Obama’s mantra is: “My story can be your story!”
Jeannie hosts a blog at www.jeannie-ology.com
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